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Showing posts with label abnormal psychology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abnormal psychology. Show all posts

Monday, January 9

Lifestyles of the group home (transitional) transients - freon-huffing, post-cloudz 🤯

 Man, oh, man, these housemates of mine really pop off, for the start of a day - a workweek Monday, for that matter.

Having spent some years in transitional living homes, after doing some time, immemorable, of some form, around the time I was evicted from my Section 8 apartment, for excessive crumbs and knickknacks crumbs and knickknacks awrr rawr rawr, I’d (fearfully so) had become acquainted with some transient group home types, much more down to home and in-my-face, err, (some other) mental health detriment, some other personality disorder. 

That being said, I do have some reasonably good and well-read psychology chops, so I commonly moonlight as a public health operative, out in the field, or, at home, much the same - that is, to say, that these demographics are much like common folk who are out and about, and I hear that many of them are equitably to be found in sober living home settings; it’s a certain branch off-shoot of that lifestyle and placement, by public and mental health, as well as social service and local government organizations. 

This is transitional living.

I’ll keep it short, and to the point - these folks share their knowledge base and resources, however well-resourced, somewhat fairly freely, amongst each other, and, in my case, they find me the “gay” one - the one to pick on, for being well-groomed, well-dressed, clean cut, etc., so they direct a significant amount of inappropriate attention towards me, once I leave home, to head out, and feed the pigeons, for my work day, or, perhaps, they do it somewhere off in the periphery. 

But anyways, this is the memo. The drama, of an ongoing nature, I’ve come to (re-)discover, through “hearing” stuff - something along these lines, I’ll say, tantamount to a strong air-pressure leakage, from a holding tank, perhaps of a commercial, rather than personal, -sized tank, such as for Freon tank refilling, or installation. 

Essentially, it seems to allow for the users to become exotically more so euphorically intoxicated, with blissful renditions upon life, at a strange hour, in life, (comparatively), such as perhaps just prior to 8 a.m., through 9:30 a.m., or so. I did “similarly,” yet not “huffing” stuff(-ly) so, types of things, back in college, when I had a girlfriend, but I was, comparatively, embarrassed, when I realized that my neighbor could hear me, from across the way. 

Sunday, September 25

What it feels like to suffer from agitated Lyme Disease.

Many a boneheaded parasitic critter-enthusiast has pondered the horizons ‘pon blood-drinking | blood-letting of a prized, unwitting victim - 

How does the victim feel? 
What if I abuse the parasites, then set them on him? 
etc. etc. - various other things, portending fantasies upon bloodletting - a psychological un-wellness, that we’d call it, these days, yet many a man (isn’t it usually a man? Or some problem subsequent to abuse that man hath wrought upon a person, and then…?), …

Well, okay. Not many a man, let’s not accommodate grandiosity, here. It’s a slight fetish, of a nominal crowd of people. Most people have never even come across ticks or bedbugs, and I did my best to fertilize the slight areas in town, in which they show up, seasonally, and now what? They’ve shown up in my room, and I’ve got a first-hand account of the trauma associated with this sort of affliction - Lyme Disease, as it were - in this instance, a fairly weak strain, yet potent enough, in how it affects me - to detail the nuances and tribulations it wreaks upon a victim, given that a young lady had recently died, in the news, following a Lyme Disease bout onset. 

First of all, 

It significantly upsets expectations. Not only is sleep disturbed, with the affliction, with external itching being the prominent feature of the bugs’ (or arachnids’, rather) bites - timespan expectations for healing of standard, daily athletic wear and tear on the body feels inexplicably hapless, and we feel useless - the sufferers of a bout of Lyme Disease, that it “may” be - it’s worse, without humic and fulvic ionic mineral supplementation. But still - even itching, in and of itself, is cruelty enough - there’s some phases of sleep that really just bum a person out, to be woken up out of. 

Granted - with experience, one learns the (supposedly) simple cure for the external suffering - a pumice stone, or lava rock - to abrade and scrape the irritated spot. But even then, repeated abuses hurt - it’s an abuse of a person’s morale, their well-being, their trust of individuals - especially once they come to understand that it wasn’t simple filth, and dirtiness - that caused the onset of bedbugs or ticks having appeared, in to one’s life - it was a secret malingerer, someone who just can’t stand something about the targeted victim, and the parasites are a viable mechanism for communicating and transmitting, reliably, and effectively - some form of the desired slight tortures that these critters inflict upon an individual. 


I’ve experienced, this time around, a significant depression, over the matter. I’ve found that, being bit in some places, ostensibly, the venom gets directed, unfettered, in to the bloodstream, and the sedating, irritating, and depressing features of the bites become part of the body’s whole. Now, for certain, I’ve written on Lyme Disease, previously, but it’s a subject worth an update, perennially, although, as I’ve said, I thought that I personally attended to the problem from forming, out in public. Bed bugs, which the current problem happens to be, happens to only show up in places such as seedy motels - I wasn’t quite expecting this type of thing to have shown up in my new group home setting - particularly not as an acute and chronic problem.

Anyways, be sure to check Amazon and Google for cheap humic and fulvic ionic minerals, or zeolite minerals, for external application and for relief - the stuff works. Permethrin can also be applied, and it can be had via perscription - it’s definitely an emergency room type of situation, should a parasitic affliction find you. 

Thursday, April 21

Having an existential crisis in front of someone is only attractive to socially immature individuals.

 On one hand, I suppose that

it would be the case, that I thought about attraction, in the context of having met an attractive young lady today, although I shrugged off the superficiality of the encounter by walking away. She had walked up to me, for that matter - it wasn’t quite me that had met her. 

The thing that was distinctive about her was that she was going through a borderline personality disorder moment; she spoke about regrets over having lost someone (something like that), and that she was looking for her husband - a vague reference, but in this case, it could have meant that she was already with somebody who was taking care of her. 

The point being, is that I felt like many types of guys I would imagine, in life, even at the age that we are - amongst those I had grown up with; I just turned 40 a few weeks ago. She was less than half my age. I recognized signs of that she damages relationships, on account of her not paying attention to people, and possibly, for that matter, she has an excess of narcissistic supply, in being an attractive young lady, of her sort (I won’t get in to details, for the sake of privacy). She was perfectly adept in firing up an encounter with a stranger - a useful social skill, yet I knew that I would probably fail miserably, in my own eyes, as well as in the eyes of others, should it have been the case that I try to pursue her romantically. She was engrossed with some sort of dilemma that she didn’t quite enumerate for me, and she was somewhat flighty, herself, in having so much to talk about, yet she wasn’t all that well composed, or considerate, in explaining exactly what was going on. This sort of person has problems in relationships - because they would come so easily, and to her, as a narcissist, she would be capable of easily undoing the relationship, should some kind of unsustainable distraction take her by the reins. 

I somewhat felt that I could be a simple, temporary confidant, or slight mentor, for her, if I thought of some things to say to her, although she wasn’t all that interested in stuff that I had to talk about, such as my fragrances, and stuff, although she did say that I smelled great, with the fragrance that I was wearing.

So I ended up walking away, asking her if she cared to join me, and she went about her own way, just as easily. This is the test of non-attachment qualities of a person; a thing that establishes criteria of detachment and professionalism, or maturity, in the subject of psychological wellbeing and best practices. 

Update: April 21st, 2022: despite making my best efforts to keep the young lady out of my head, the young lady seemed to pop up, in my mind, here and there, as I would make my common rounds about town, and she was portrayed as various things, in my mind - many of those things pertaining to violence and coerced sex acts, as well as other tragic outcomes for her that she would have conceivably run in to, being that she is an attractive young lady. I somewhat simply believe that many guys would act like that towards her, for having much less experience and less of a tempering of sexual attitudes; the streets are a dangerous place, at times, I felt. I also heard that she had put herself out of her home, and that she stayed with her parents, and that she was looking for her husband, for example, and that that would have been their housing accommodation - a charmingly romantic thing to suppose, and her parents had not wanted her to fornicate with a partner in life, ostensibly, in a sinful manner; that is to say, that the young lady was willing to sacrifice having access to the privileges of home for living in a tent, in their back yard. I heard things such as that she was one of the visitors to my room, where I live, where perhaps the home’s manager had been allowing people to enter in to my room, because they were fascinated by it, and perhaps she did do that, and she became infatuated with the notion of meeting with me - ostensibly, a far cry from understanding if this is true or not.

Tuesday, March 22

The Psychological Criminality in Unstructured Remote Communications Intents.

Being that I was not formally brought up with any nurturing environment instructions upon, nor mention of beliefs associated with remote communications and remote electronic psychological abuses (as they commonly presented to me as), I constantly falter in life, of failing in properly accommodating circumstances tantamount to attended to a “perceived” crisis, that it were; that it commonly is, as a topic portrayed to my senses. 

In my upbringing, the sanctity of the human body was educated upon Christian morals, beliefs, and values. 

1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?

While the technology upon which remote communications and remote sensing is founded upon had existed for perhaps around 80 years, or so, at this point in time (2022 A.D.), the adoption of such technologies had been fed through various nations’ intelligence programs, and I commonly observe fervid nationalists of a foreign intelligence (non-traditional - within the context of an American upbringing of this generation, our cultural heritage, as Protestants, and as standardized in United States of America’s public school teaching). Remnants of first-generation immigrant parents’ cultural disparities and arrogance are diagnostic criteria seen in schizotypal and narcissistic behavioral and personality disorder-symptomatic individuals who (believably) present positive symptoms of schizophrenia, and of the general will, belief, and volition to perpetuate the psychological faux pas of asserting superiority, dominance, aggression, and persecution upon a targeted victim.

The laws of entropy are correlative, within this type of personality disorder, in understanding a formative and fundamental basis in establishing a behavioral conditioning methodology and engagement protocol in reprimanding the psychopath at issue, whereas, in my case, as an observer and victim alike, in remote communications disputes and targeting, I persist through the crisis and trauma, generally as a patient and perseverance individual, whereas I also, over extended periods of experiencing such a criminal sort and extent of improper attention and sociability, oftentimes find myself defaming people publicly, in hopes that the threat of social shame, in consequences, would eventually condition the perpetrator suitably, once I had come to establish a generalized belief that anti-social characteristics and personality traits could reasonably and historically have had been established - formal and commonplace methods of communications having failed in eliciting a response from the individual.

Thursday, March 17

Remote Sensing Environment User Deprecated Practices - The Freudian Slip of Doing Something as Though It Matters

In remote sensing observation and participatory environments, there may (at this point in time, within the cell that is collectively managed and occupied by myself) be seen to be an undesirable degree of conflict resolution abandonment. 

Details aside, the more fundamental calculations and consequences of the pursuit of adversarial techniques in psychological abuse in socialization through remote sensing, is the higher imperative. Being that the victimizers fail to improve their outlook in life, and aberrant psychological dilemmas of a dark nature persist in the perpetrators’ lives, rather than that joy is found amongst community and society. 

In this day and age of technology, where intelligence can be nurtured and developed upon the extent of resources, with lateral and vertical markets of human collateral in knowledge base and servile utility, much more rational and equitable identities are a more sustainably beneficial and productive ethic to pursue, whereas rewards in technological developments of third parties and oversight committees, such as increased cloud compute attributions and merits, of being afforded the cost of time, energy, and human resources becomes a more viable end and means, in life, in an economy of otherwise uncertain and aspirational “still (at this point in time) context, within the scope of social status attainments, financial wealth, and in many aspects of personal wellbeing, whereas materialism and experiential devotions compete with each other, as a primary theme of much of the conflict that had been observed, up to the present time. 

In to an indefinite future? The question, in and of itself, is a quandary, much to be likened to a long-standing characteristic of the substance abuser, of emotional abuse, to mental health stability’s uncertainty - in a likewise deprecated practice of “promise,” which loses significant worth in a social economy that is not founded upon honest and forthcomingness in humility, whereas people value detrimented and misfortunate superficial gains in life, upon abnormal psychology fixations, such as the pursuit of narcissistic supply - a pleasurable environment to stage upon, yet faulty and superficial, on one hand, cruel and unnecessary, on the other hand. 

With psychology at topic here, I had established, upon reflections and reflexes, of my psychological standard, as much as that these dilemmas; dilemmas and conflict, even, (perhaps), of a fundamental nature, to form a corollary residing trait of literature that reaches back as far as Sigmund Freud’s writings and finding; my experience being drawn up, and designed upon the machine learning environment of “having experienced” being a social psychology observation subject, with psychological abuses towards me being as that the subject is deemed to be a favorite (so to speak) of a persecutory agent [redundant]. All things considered, not all of us had studied university level introductory psychology, which would, of course, mention and assign the works and findings of Dr. Freud, nor had many people gone through conflict resolution courses in life, which would reasonably suit an emotional maturity milestone age demographic tending more towards early teenage years, in society, with “teenage angst” seeming to be an accessibly familiar claim upon this assertion. 

Given that my recent dispersions that had acquired and developed much attention, appreciation, and fascinations, of an excretory “topic” nature about the context, a Freudian claim upon the underlying psychology at issue here is quite apparent. Being that abuses, of a remote sensing tactical nature, lend themselves to a “standoff” type of portrayal and representativeness of itself, I offer the victim’s experience as evidence, to an assertion, for as much as that bathroom duties of simply even “getting up” to use the restroom, as a trait of what is considered common and accessible for people of our society - it leans in to violations of basic human and civil rights.

Tuesday, March 8

A case for defending Russia, throughout the warmongering of early 2022,

 It’s a quite easy topic to nitpick at, on one hand, but regardless, look at some of the news topic trends that make headway, out here, in the U.S.; in Los Angeles, at a minimum. 

I’m referring to the staged displays of pompous destruction, the “right” of the madman, the mob rules directives and concessions that are made, and what; all that much, of Los Angeles, by and large, is greatly changed, over the past several years? On one hand, we don’t seem to know all that much about Russia, collectively. I happen to be a slight insider in to the culture of Russia, having had been acquainted with, befriended, and eventually having married, for a short time, a young native Russian lady, who happened to speak English quite well, and intelligently. (We broke up because I couldn’t stand her having her free time, and I was a distrustful crack cocaine binger, throughout the whole thing - she lost her patience with me on that sort of context, about things). 

Some pics pertaining to that stage and time of my life.

First of all, I’ll cover some things that are good about Russia. I’ll assume that perhaps this whole news story “coverage” thing is just collateral damage, for shipping them our dope, or something like that, and things had to turn up bwammo, for the sake of propaganda - even just “perhaps,” as such, but that’s what’s coming to mind, in writing this out. 

Wednesday, February 16

The Rise of Social Work Policy Implementation in Los Angeles, CA, USA in the 2020’s.

 Some people may have been left wondering: 

What happened to things, in the way that they used to be handled? 

All of a sudden, acts and behaviors that used to seem unthinkable; distant from the perceiver, separate, as that such things would seem to fall into and encompass other people’s lives, rather than our own, become, by various means of introduction, induction, and casualty, therein, more familiarized, with more personal relevance, proximity-wise, and with threatening impact upon the subject’s personal sense of security and risk potential. Increased risk upsets former plans, aspirations, and partitioning of resources of a person, caught unaware. 

In Los Angeles, California, USA, we are considered to be a melting pot societal destination and lifestyle of culture afforded to us. The types of threats that seemed further away and separate from our lives are perhaps calculated out in risk-aversion methods, such as various forms of purchasable insurance policies, as far as that a generalized consumer solution could be imagined. The sorts of endowments afforded by such measures are significant: therapies, of various academic, professional, or medical licensure, degree, or certification - for example, are some of the benefits that are more easily within reach, given various forms of archetypal, or “standardized,” (professional, for example) upbringings, or lifestyles, given that work benefits such as private medical coverage are included, subsidized, or incentivized, as part of an employment package. Growing up as I had, I had medical insurance benefits that saw to it that I received orthopedic work, dentistry, and mental health therapy and psychiatric oversight, as the most prominent needs that were accommodated during my childhood. 

Despite this, nothing could have prepared me (as I’d “put it,” off-handedly), for the onset of schizophrenia in my life. It hit me like a traumatic, persecutors shock experience, with none of the perpetrators owning up to the fact that they had ever -and continue forth, in committing towards me, as well as my loved ones; even casual and professional network connections and contacts - to this very day. The corollary to this stand-off(-esque) claim about these “others” is that they “do” admit to doing these sorts of things (such as “being” the voices in my head), yet the whole dilemma and drama about anything to speak of, whatsoever, happens - yet even still: as voices in my head. In person, these people would never admit to doing these things that they find to be characteristic of conflicting attitudes and behaviors; even defiant and oppositional - on one hand, the people “do” realize that their acts are, at these problematic episodes, at issue: shameful, spiteful, cowardly, bold, and fearless, however intermittent and unsustainable these feats of grandiosity and delusion may be. On the other hand, the characteristically borderline personality disorder and anti-social traits of the behaviors are denied, in to indefinite extents, unto life, still to come. It’s a primary shortcoming of character such that is deemed to be one of the hallmarks of a failure, in the contexts and standards of the 12 Steps literature of recovery, self-help, and sobriety.

The voices had begun in the week, or so - in particular, leading up to September of 2012, and for the days beginning the month. I quickly became ensued in a cruel, militaristically styled, public-shaming sort of forum and by-and-large witch-hunt sort of atmosphere and thematic emblems of figurative form and composition, as far as what construed the content of the voices I was subjected to. It sounded like a dramatic, real-life exposé of network news personalities, talk show programming public figures, as well as what seemed like viable “actual” civil servant authorities - all taking jabs, by and large, offering negative conditioning, as the defining folly of man that was come to be celebrated, and practiced - myself, fairly much illiterate in this sort of conjectural drama and persona - whereby, since then, I’d become an intermittent Twitter demagogue, bordering upon a technological golden age’s banner flop-job; a court’s jester, of sorts, where abuse had become the new standard of interaction (attempts), defilements and ever-higher stacks upon brinksmanship, in displays of irreverent and unproductive flouting of the people’s common ego, and observation-participant thresholds of standards of acceptability were pushed to unexpected limits, and beyond, at times, for the fact of the matter of that, in many cases, the wins and gains were short-sighted, and cheaply won, being that men were made better, by those better than them, through the machinery at use, in these cases, and few people had much of anything of a long-standing intelligence to be gained, or admired, about these sorts of “stand-off” situations, as I’d put it, before, whereas I was more well-founded upon trying to eke out a better self, of some sort, that had peeked through the hours of neglect, abandonment, and disregard, and little by little, I embodied the better traits of men and women who treated me properly, and appropriately, regardless of the tone of voice, or authoritativeness that would be construed, from such a sort of treatment. 

That being said, the backdrop to the hysteria and paranoid establishments that had embedded themselves, with subversion at the forefront of design, and sometimes, with malicious and reckless blind-sighted goals, of a slapstick nature, as less well-intentioned, less skilled, or less educated people took the helm of controlling my mind, at times, seemingly also of that I was being observed by numerous, unspoken others, of any and all types of relations, in life, was well-provisioned, in the nearly-popular culture literature and publications, of news media, and of the blogosphere - I’d suppose that esoteric topics have their place in time, for many, or several - at least, different types of odd and obscure minds, and this moment happened to include me, as one of these monstrousity-victimized, problematic sorts - hyped up in the news articles and publications of the time, as symbolic forms and archetypes, such as the Monarch, or the butterfly - something like that. There was extensive “cult” literature, to that effect, that somewhat expounded upon the then-more “secret,” less-well disseminated information and documents (until this point in time - it was a point in time of intrigue and exposure of formerly classified programs and documentation - with the age of the internet coming of age, of sorts, and with people’s minds, in the digital world, having become curious as for solutions and answers in life, with regards to psychology and identity typology kinds of distinction; forensics, semiotics, and persona errata being valuable subjects of inquiry and discovery, for the young millennial generation). 

At some point, long story short, (I’d documented it, largely, on my Twitter and Facebook accounts “back then,” the madness and criminality that had consumed my life, post-onset of positive schizophrenic diagnostic criteria (2012) - caught up with me, and I’d failed in life, in terms of a more material consequence that had overcome me - various incidents and episodes of incarceration, probation, involuntary hospitalizations. I’d said that it constituted failure, perhaps mostly as my experience of these times spent removed from society, on account of that so much of my life was fulfilled and better accommodated in the form of technology, the internet, and through devices that I’d used, over the years. A recurrent theme of my persecutors was that I’d lived a life too rich, too young, and too familiar and relative to themselves; whereas I’d neglected them, or abandoned them, or at least the claim, thereof, whereas I was an oblivious, and criminally incompetent, “cad,” as I’m sometimes currently called. 

In any case, the issue of politics, of the lower and lesser social classes, of a proximity fallacy of presuming that being physically nearby an event supposes that it’s also more primarily significant, impactful, or important - some or one or all of these traits, about the situation; is it me? Is it us? What’s so important, somehow? Who really cares? Who really knows? Who isn’t somewhat similar, at least in some contextual expanse, of a topic subject… is this moment the defining moment of creation, itself? For some humor-infused, turn’t up “cadres” of “guys,” or “people,” (although the problematic people, for me, are commonly guys, but here and there, some women seem to have a problem with me, or about me), it appears to be the case, as that the thread about this paranoid schizophrenic positive symptoms diagnostics thing pops up, in the forefront of my mind, as that sometimes, women are known to henpeck, and be gossipy, behind my back. I’ve tried peeking, to see if people are actually talking about me - on one hand, the concept and notion of it “exists,” per se - it is a thought that I experience, in my head; or, more truthfully, rather, it’s an experience that I perceive - distinct, in formative nature, from a “thought,” in and of itself - for that it has a cognition and volition completely independent of any expenditure of energy of my own mind - quite a novel thing, for a guy who’s most commonly a loner, and introverted, as I am, yet only sometimes. It’s this sort of reality interaction that’s so commonly under observation and scrutiny - a novel thing, in and of itself, yet, at times, scarce, whereas we live in a world where human interactions are commonplace and widespread displays that we can peruse and experience, this being Los Angeles, CA, USA, a world unto it’s own, at least, in miniaturized form, if we are to recall that we are also a global society - rich in culture and imagery, and not always cheap. Remember the formative traits of good economics - there is worth in scarcity of supply, implying that a thing is valuable, for what’s offered, and for what’s being offered, for ownership, or experience - something along those lines. 

Anyways, I’ve said a lot. I don’t suppose that people would hold much of a candle for my overextended claims and statements, as far as right now. Maybe something else… something more accessible, and stuff. Maybe I’ll update, later on. 

Tuesday, February 8

A 12 Steps 9th Step Reflection - What am I supposed to do when people simply can’t be honest with themselves?

 Being a situational minority, [living in South Los Angeles] myself - “visually” (although only “somewhat;” I do sometimes get myself casually mistaken for being Hispanic), I get a lot of flack. 

It’s the kind of thing that would have potentially framed our collective and generalized minds, for having been part of the dragnet downward spiral that so many of us face, for having this faulty, anti-social, mistaken, misfortunate, misgiven, mistreated, maladapted, disregarded, or sometimes, we were simply just the one picked out to be bullied upon, for a long stretch of life. Many of us, in the smallest demographics, here - the 1-4%ers; the silent intelligent minds, the secretive genius, the condescending outperformer, or some sort of spiritual misfit, perhaps. 

As the fungus, for the sake of wood rot - in healing the stuff of nature that consumes us, as the tree of life, perhaps, that we, as intelligent humans are, we tend to a greater sustainability, for having made the sacrifice that signifies and represents our material loss in life - for nature to persist.

I was some sort of combination of these things, to varying degrees. My teachers might commonly have characterized me as an “A” grade mind, but a “B” grade achiever. It would be quite ostensible, as such. I was hit, as a child, and treated cruelly, at times, by my parent authority nurturing environment. Although I was young, I knew, intelligently well enough, that I was being mistreated, and that there was an unreasonable expectation of that I ought have not violated whatever boundary it was that I had pushed too far on, in acting out, or whatever the case might have been. That was back when I was around age 6, or so, when I started to come to understand that I was being held hostage, of sorts, and that life is a cruel endeavor, at times. My happiness and enjoyment was ephemeral, and sadness came as a much more common and ostensible expectation of myself

Now, at age 39, I do broadly superficial gestures towards a mindset of reserved superiority, should that card need to be pulled, in order to one-up myself, in a situation, whereas I’m narcissistic, at times, and I feel that simply accommodating others I come across, superficially and casual that it may be, I do have a somewhat limited basis and “license,” as it were - to engage with, and exchange acquaintanceship with, as far as how I might ever (or, actually) expect to get to know a great many more individuals in the localities in which I frequent. On some level, the diversity of Los Angeles, and surrounding areas, is a beautiful thing - we get a small taste of it, here and there, as children - some of us had interaction-based socialization profiles, some of us had cultural endowments, of our learning and travel experience, in our youthful developing years, and others - well, to be honest, I somewhat simply don’t quite know. There’s not much in terms of disclosure, when it came to so many people. It was bwammo; butt shittle, for sure, and bwopp dick? Plik plok. 

That’s essentially how I do some people. What else am I supposed to do? They seem to realize it, and they truly just go for it, in this slight game of alluding to a secretive shame of non-disclosure of what’s humble and slight about us; each unto ourselves, but as for myself, I feel as though I’m simply capable, in being an honest person, whereas I seem to attract a lot of pent up frustration and aggression towards me, as well as to my personal belongings, possessions, art work - even my right of way and freedom of volition, out in public. Ought I mix it up, a bit more, and get out of town, for that it’s slight localities that I frequent? I’m trying to do something with these pigeons and sparrows, though. I feel that that’s the crux of what separates and distinguishes me from these “others,” casually “majority” that they might be, for as ephemeral and unsustained that it might be, when it comes down to constancy, faith in, and loyalty to a purpose - it’s sometimes that it is quite obvious that people had been talking about me, in some group or networked small and trivial collective or establishment of people - on the other hand, I have the largest demographic of spiritually faithful compatriots that I might believe exists, for being a Christian man; perhaps here and there I entertain discovering various nuances of the faith, and demonizations, but these are simple numbers and statistics that we had all grown up with. 

Somewhere along the way, young people had decided that popular beliefs and establishments were disdainful, and averse to the common man’s wellbeing, whereas true wellness was largely characterized as a shameful “hurt” area; it hurt to have affections for others, to achieve, in the face of others who had not serendipitously found good fortune, well enough for everyone’s attention spans (how commonly does serendipity happen?). People who had achieved some good or gainful new establishment, as for their own take - were seen as the rightfully scapegoated ones. That’s how I feel, in any case. It happens to women, of a certain sort, all the time, and who likes to be incorrect, or improper? It’s a humbling thing, for many - discovering the consequence of “God’s” purpose and judgment in our lives, yet I hear confessionals all the time, and I have my own notions as to how and why these sorts of interrogative processes come to be characterized and fixed in to the mind of an unwell and unstable psychological archetype - ephemeral that it may be, it does happen quite commonly, for the great many amongst the few of us, that there are, in some instances. 

The truth is most commonly a great and celebrated thing; it’s a thing of joy, good humor, and elation - good people can’t imagine something so awful and horrid, such that it ought not have been done. At what point does the unrelenting bold one simply cease to persist in asserting dominance over differences between themselves, and a great many others? People have access to richly developed minds and intelligence forms of much of history and establishment that has been recorded in some form, whether it be visual, artistic, literary, or of the other ways and means in which we communicate and confer symbolism and meanings unto others. 

Thursday, January 20

A practical, real-world corollary to my previous post, on the MKULTRA program. (Update)

In this cutting edge and (as-of-yet) still largely ill-understood context of mind control

and of relevant government and intelligence agency programs and implementations of such, thereof, my previous post seemed to have foreshadowed some requisition and atonement, for that the context of mind control, and its subjects, being myself, and some of those amongst me, having become a needed issue to have been attended to; to my appreciation, what had been a developing and complicated issue, in the context of the subject (my [group home] neighbor): Omar Andrade having, of recent weeks, become a commonplace and recurrent sleepless madman, he thence had, just yesterday, become subject to his more primitivistic, subconscious, and limbic-minded self, in presenting himself as an individual who had lost control of his inhibitions and rational awareness in life, as a relentlessly outspoken and violently hostile and aggressively-willing mind control aberration. 

It was the first thing in the morning; as for myself, not the most astute time in life to wake up and start the day; it was perhaps 9 a.m., or so. I had, in my youth, more commonly had been accustomed to waking up earlier to start my day; yet I would offer that I’m constantly subject to victimizations, of a mental health disparagement, and, as such, I simply have shortcomings about my life, to attest to, and for that matter, I, in turn, am given license and disclosure as to who displays a lack of social and emotional intelligence, in my proximity, in life, for claims (which seem common) of that such shortcomings and presentations of myself “don’t matter,” or come to be disregarded, being that these are complex issues, obviously, to discuss and intelligibly manage. It’s simply what I had been accustomed to encountering, in making my case known to what establishment and personnel are afforded to me, being that I am a mental health services and benefits recipient, in terms of government programs that were offered to me; as such, and rather, though, as these benefits, such as housing and case management, are received - at this point in time, not all of the mental health service establishments - such as housing, in particular, have sufficiently professionally-licensed and appropriate personnel providing the fulfillments of the mental health program: here, in Los Angeles County, under the LACDMH (Department of Mental Health) program known as Full Service Partnership, in which housing, case management, medication, and perhaps some therapy and psychological (or, at least, psychiatric) behavioral services are provided for individuals. In its fulfillment, as for myself, I do receive these basic services, although mental health abuses are still murky territory, in the criminal justice system, as for who, or how, or even that: mental health abuses are properly addressed - that Omar Andrade, for one, had been a developing and ongoing mind-control aberration, most ostensibly, was an issue that was seen to have been “negligible” in needs-to-be addressed [sorts of] priorities, as far as people I could, and did, reach out to, as far as seeking support in attending to this (acute) crisis, that it had come to - yesterday morning (Wednesday, January 2022), that it was.

Omar Andrade had, for weeks leading up to this acute psychiatric emergency, in which he displayed Axis-1 symptoms of psychotic disorder, consequent to substance use disorder; also having displayed a lack of interest in eating, at proper meal times (eating disorder), and of that his behavior was commonly, and increasingly unstable and hostile towards others, sometimes of an unseen nature, of which I would discern to be the mind-control program’s evidenced presence in his mind, whereas he was a difficult individual to reach, due to an Axis-II sort of behavioral disorder portrayal of himself, in (as far as my own attempts to reach him); his incapability in, or refusal to: show a common courtesy to his housemates, and a lack of empathy and intelligence about displaying any sort of rational regard to a person’s sense of dignity and perhaps superiority over himself, that may be the case, in various instances, whereas he would portray a somewhat playful courtesy to someone in an already established position of authority, such as the house manager; whereas, in this acute crisis incident, of yesterday morning, he was physically aggressive and overtly violent to “simply anyone,” including the group home’s manager - it seemed to, upon deeper psychological analysis, of what was visually ostensible, and, of a critical analysis sort of mind about discerning what the nature of the problem could be - it would be surmised, and asserted, I’d suppose of myself, of that he had simply stayed awake, for too many days and nights, on end, of an ongoing, unsustainable, irrational, and, as had developed, increasingly paranoid and hostile nature towards others - in this instance, of a completely baseless premise, in exerting his hostility towards all people he faced, in the home; this being at around 9 a.m. in the morning, and whereas he was blocking access to and from people’s rooms and accommodations of the household, such as the bathroom, with his violently hostile presentation of himself being the overtly irrational and subconsciously troubled mind, having become a criminal or psychiatric issue, for the police to have attended to. 

There was a great degree of administrative caution in approaching Omar, given that he was barricaded in the restroom when the police showed up, and initially, the house manager disregarded and downplayed my appeals to her, for assistance, the case being as that it was early (somewhat) in the morning, and that commonplace disparagements and a rueful disregard of etiquette and propriety is the characteristic and peculiar, as well as particular mode of conduct about herself (the house manager), whereas I “know better,” and expect better, but this occurrence being of somewhat irrelevant nature, given that the issue was resolved to my appreciation, and that she (the house manager) was generally irrelevant to the acute crisis occurrence that had developed, in the subject’s mind, of some sort of responsibility and irrationality that was the subject’s own willful and willing volition and capability to had established, in his own mind. Comparatively, I’m commonly misled, offered suggestions, and lobbed what would amount to a paranoid and suspicious mind, of others in my common proximity, and these experiences do, in truth, come at a challenging cost of a need to expend a great deal of critical and analytical thought, as well as that a disciplined and thorough self-examination of circumstances and accountability are required of a subject such as myself, as common as Omar Andrade could be, as far as substance use is concerned, whereas the perpetrator commonly and repeatedly displayed a lesser accountability and cares towards composure and restraint, given our needs fulfillment common space and placement in life, given that we were both occupants of the same living space. What had taken place in his mind, such that he found fault in others, to the extent that he decided, of at least his wakeful and present self, that morning, there in the hallway? I have some intimations, and summations, of what had been heard of him, leading up to this occurrence, of that he was culturally overtly proud, and needful, it would seem, of presenting himself as an outspoken individual, whereas, in other instances, he was unstable in his overall persona and present self, being “sometimes” superficially courteous, and, at other times, it would have seemed as though he had courted a happenstance, arbitrary, and chaotic - inconsiderate and semiotically cruel and condescending self, perhaps of a symbolic nature, of an evidently “simply present” will and volition of that he would decide to treat me, and, on this occasion, practically anyone present, with hostility, and so - he got arrested.

Thursday, January 13

The MKULTRA program’s purpose and place in society, at this stage, day, and age.

5 years of abuse, to wipe the slate clean, then comes discipline and composure, after common-law acquaintanceship and exposure to appropriate cultural and social graces.

Given that it’s largely touted to be a CIA program, here in America, it would presumably be a implementation of an internationally-well regarded standard and expectation upon the public, given distributed means of organic growth and dissemination. That being said, it is an attainment in military and civilian intelligence that spans the work of at least several various nations, with Great Britain and Russia also widely regarded as contributors to establishing standards and protocols upon such contexts of intelligence work, having established much, at the time, in terms of psychological and social sciences, in complement to the extents that the MKULTRA program covers.

These things go largely ill-desseminated, on account of the degree of personal responsibility in willfully outing such demonstrations of an abusive nature, that the program ostensibly covers, in the spirit of correcting subversive and ill-maintained nurturing environments that wind up contributing to the prevalence and presence of the schizotypal psychological anomaly in subjects, whereas the work needs to be done, in society; ostensibly it offends the progression of neglectful and irresponsible personas in proliferation and in positive expression of such psychological unwellness. For having made gains in acquiring and disseminating scientific purpose and placement, in society, enough for one’s own degree of responsibility, given reasonable extents of personal fault and shortcoming that the case may have been, perhaps personal fault had not been of issue, of the founding personnel behind such programs, in their deployment and in implementation in society. Perhaps they are simply upright and astute individuals, who need not have an overextended degree of need to contribute means and ends, in life, in other words, as far as supporting the decree of that why, and of “that, in and of itself,” programs of psychological abuse are implemented in society, with documentation and purposes being unclear to many, at this point in time (early 2022).

The generalized common prognosis of a schizotypal condition’s sufferer is an early death, as it’s widely been discerned, following psychological sciences inquiry and outcomes. To be certain, some traits of the schizotypal condition are empowering, to the subject, whereas some people, of a faulty volition and undue burden upon societal resources, attempt to subvert common decency, and standard human expectations, at this point, having come to believe that remote sensing telepathy is a currently viable and rational volition in life, eschewing common decency and standards of expectations of individuals in society, given that this sort of topic is of higher education than public schooling had afforded us, in the years leading up to the new millennium, whereas the impulse to express one’s self is both obscured, to a significant degree, in terms of a respectable standard of decency, whereas humility is much easier to disregard, and fanciful temptations of the visceral experience and of superficial and fleeting pleasures, in life, seems much easier at hand, while consequences, characteristic of our human nature, are much more easily conceived of, and less traumatic, in acceptance, on account of that, oftentimes, the remote sensing subject, and schizotypal borderline personality typology as facet and trait of the subject, seems implausible, and inconsequential, for the sake of disavowing the significance and importance of reading the individual as a visually-subject and consequential adherent, upon rational standards of expectations, at this point in time, given that this is a topic of higher learning. In other words, it’s simply easier to act and respond irresponsibly and foolishly,, given a lack of physical presence in the victimizer’s truthful and rational life experience. Many times, the schizotypal sort will appear, to a profiled and targeted victim, of a significantly non-present type of persona, demonstrating the volition and will to abuse somebody, whereas they disregard the capability of the victim to interpret such behavior as plausible, viable, and eventually, as representationally accurate of the individual abusing them, for the fact of that such profiles of victimization are conceivably present, for the sake of informing the public; for the public’s best interest.

Try it again! We’ll deal you a mean row. 

There were some things in life that I had not learned, well enough, of an anti-social behavioral sort that I had acted out. It was not until I was duly corrected, with physical (or otherwise) sort of violence and psychological that had strongly conditioned me against repeating such a behavior, scarce that it may have been - it was scarcity that was present, of an unfortunate nature. A very common expression of a positive-expression paranoid schizophrenic is that abusive behaviors of a delusional and significantly faulty nature exist - this is the furthest degree along the anti-social behavioral spectrum of the borderline personality disorder - that they attempt to portray admirability, in being dominant, yet faulty, in enacting such a sort of behavior that is dislikable, while in the presence of innocent others (casualties), simply for having been proximally nearby somebody, of a trivial degree of irrational consequence which is deemed improper for the general public.

I had placed myself in the presence of the general public, for the sake of a basic trust of people, upon a near experience of death, just a week prior to this current date of publication, early on, in the new year of 2022, whereas paranoid schizophrenia is a more deeply troubling condition. The paranoid schizophrenic’s presence in a person’s life signifies an irrational and burdensome claimant upon the victim, given that, to the most vast degree, it is implausible that a helpful mental health professional is the one being accessed; rather, that the victim had been selected based on superficial traits, social class, and opportunistic aspirations; the victimizer, hoping to make ephemeral and patchwork gains in life, for having come to believe that remote sensing encounters are viable means of coming to understand the sufferer’s needs in life, for being psychologically u,well, whereas the propriety of law, the justice and rehabilitation departments, and due process be observed,  having come to falsely believe that they ought not seek a rightful and due process unto themselves, for coming to believe that exacting justice is their own rightful consequence and volition to pursue in life, whereas more common and accepted authorities are somehow ignored, or disavowed, of their rightful place in our lives, having come to believe that they ought to, rather, enact justice, in and of themselves. 

Who is determined to have the propriety of the MKULTRA program at their claim and stake in life? In my opinion, and in my personal experience, it is the most benefitted subject, given the highest degree of personal responsibility, for having made improper gains in life; perhaps only as one of the archetypes of such mind-control programs, given that, on further remembrance, that there are at least a dozen or more archetypal mind-control subjects, given the literature. The point being, is that we had all had our place and purpose, in life, and had hereby expended the utility, desirability, and solubility, profitability, and prognosis of outcomes in life, to most rational and conceivable ends. We had reached the end of our ropes (or lives, in and of themselves), so to speak, and we had been chosen for corrections, based on that fruitless measures had become the characteristic and determinable hopeless outcomes of our lives, yet that we had pursued these measures to cruel and psychologically faulty and unwell extents in life, whereas we would come to be afforded a degree of grace, and redemption, for becoming remote sensing subjects of psychological battery and inquiry. 

With overt forms of abuse being disallowed, so to speak, in cases of conduct of the authorities, it is this sort of plausible deniability that ought be accepted by the remote-sensing “victim | perpetrator | subject” at issue, as their turn of fate, as it were, whereas it’s obviously not, by and large, I would assume, any such thing, whatsoever, our own creation and responsibility in life, to enact cruelties upon others - we have Christianity as our nation’s official religion, for example, and in that regard, certain things are largely expected of our common societal others, and peers, for example, whereas cruelty is seen as the significant and fundamental tragedy of Christ’s life and experience. Thus, enacting that we are given god-like behavioral opportunities, the impulse to invoke special privileges and exploit attractive opportunities, as it may seem, sometimes becomes compelling - being that, of my sort, I, for example, am commonly alone, yet a compelling profiled victim, for others, common also, that it may be, I find it faulty and fundamentally erroneous, for the sake of that I refuse to believe that complex and intricate modes of understanding, acquaintanceship, and learning could rightfully be expected to transpire for many others, suffering, themselves, from positive schizophrenia symptoms, and whereas I simply do not know the progeny is etymology of my victimizer’s purpose and persona, having only what had formerly, or concurrently, would be reasonable expectations of that I could come to see that these individuals had, for various reasons, chosen to access me, and subsequently, abuse me. My most pervasive experience is that most individuals would not opt to intrude in my life, particularly not of such a degree of abusive spree, and of mayhem. They simply are seen to be casually-failing individuals, quite obviously, I would say, subjects of interrogation, rather than enlightenment, for having chosen to pursue such a volition in life. Aside from that, we stand to experience a golden age in enlightenment, and enjoyment, much more directly, and decisively, if we adhere to standards of etiquette and of a Christian volition, in being acted out, and afforded to others, rather than if we were to (strangely) embody the abuser, in and of ourselves, for that cruelty affords a most primitivistic default to a fight or flight determinacy; whereas benefits are scarcely afforded to the dominant one; dominant, yet not quite equivalently so - the overall victorious one in life. Life is not so cheaply and commonly based upon acts of victory and dominance over others, in the most common experience, and cheaply-wrought experiences of cruelty come to define such victimizers and abusers. 

That all being said, I’d become a consciously-experiencing abuse victim, starting in September of 2012, there were 10 years of explanations that stood to be documented, that I had still been living out, over the course of such abuse, and it takes seven years to become somebody’s common law partner, in life, so I’m not quite done with such things, yet I do dedicate time to disseminating my experience, given that I reasonably identify with the most privileged, and most unaccountable achiever, of various means in life, of interest to others. To simply disavow that I had experienced a well-enough degree of abuses, during this time, or that I could be rightfully held responsible for some of my acts, had been the determinations and judgments, well enough, of the authorities, and it eschews due process to believe that they had not done enough, for valid equivalencies to be levied upon me, for the sake of others, particularly during times in which I simply had not been criminally competent, or of times in which I was experiencing undue abuses, in life. 

A voice for the elitely privileged: maintaining control in the face of superabundance.

 At some points in time, in life, the literary and well-cultured life tends us towards a subconscious attraction for the overly-superficial and temporarily gainful (albeit wasteful, and unsustainable) feelings of indulgence in to elitism.

We (I’d suppose that it affects me, as well, since I just recently had a near-death experience) sometimes forget our proper selves, and we eschew moral and ethical standards of behavior, for the sake of neglecting more fundamental and truthful pains in life, whereby we tend to a surface-level of superiority, it might seem, over what’s otherwise deemed as inappropriate and “not allowed,” in society. Given the pandemic, and civil disobedience movements of the heraldry of this particular time and place, in life, such as the nationwide riots, and symbolic support and morale for things, enforcement of laws has seemed to have become lax, in the face of preserving the lives of those who are there to protect us. Given this, many unlawful types of behavioral attitudes and portrayals of a common individual have become, by minute instances, more common, more seemingly “acceptable,” for their entertainment and pleasurable flouts of exhibitionistic enjoyment, and for tending to baser, albeit ephemerally pleasant (yet only, for some), social and establishment defilements that place us in a less progressive and supportable demographic, in life, for being unnecessary, of a fundamental nature. 

Being Americans (although this blog seeks to embody a globalist outlook and perspective in life), we have much of the best of our times, on a socially widespread and well-afforded degree of pervasiveness. Delving back, even further, we, as millennials, had a young adult-life era of materialistic indulgence and self-serving portrayals of great luxury and wealth pervade our still-nascent nurturing environment; insufficient, that it was, for that we are, by and large, not the financially well-to-do and literal elites of society. We simply had been afforded some facets of these traits, in life, for the sake of embodying equality, with a marketable vulnerability that was allowed fulfillments, of a lackluster resource of fundamental support, for such attitudes, in life. Few people are truly rich, well-off, beautiful, as well as socially graced with truthfully virtuous traits and attitudes in life, comparatively. 

That being said, experiences with, and interactions, thereof, of the truly well-off morally and ethically well-to-do, in society, are scarce commodities. In economics, scarcity is one of the most fundamental valuators of worth, and of value, in life. Much of what is ephemeral and easily accessible is contrary to the things that truly support wealth and social gains in life. What do we seek, to fulfill ourselves, in this day and time? We are afforded so much of what came before, with the Internet at our behest, yet things of higher and more distinctive scarcity, in terms of intellectualism, are still provided at a cost; we could not much disavow our Google Scholar and, even further, Google Books resources of academic intelligence, on one hand, that still cost money, in many cases, yet I find that many people seem to have adopted behaviors tending towards “acting out”,” in life, thus shrugging off the acceptable standards of conduct that personified our commonalities and deserved degrees of penetration and intrusiveness, in sociability, that public schools had afforded us. I didn’t go to an elite private school; some people did. Why act like people can behave themselves in such a brazenly indulgent manner, as if there is no authority in life? True intelligence and composure, in maintaining any sort of rational social engagement profile and demonstrations of appropriate social graces still come at a cost, and require a sober and accountable mind, of humility, rather than pride.

Such corollaries, that have characterized society, and which may have seemed unfair, are portrayed in the slight civilian media circuses such as Britney Spears’ conservatory (edit: conservatorship) Many people came to her “support” apparatus, in life, yet intimations of that a party-life, of a vastly seemingly endless spree of grandiosity and frivolity seem to have been underpinnings of such movements. People would do better to say less, inquire more (politely so), and in some cases, simply disavow that their needs are not being appropriately met, in cases of a pervasive lack of sobriety, for example. 

I’ll leave things at that, and allow for people’s own conscience and recognizance of our liberties afforded to us, of our will and volition in life. Sometimes, things are not quite what they seem, if a most superficial portrayal and portending of ourselves is what is at issue, and at stake, in life (that it may seem). Some people need some certain things, life, some people are content with what they have; some others might need to be restrained, yet I seem to attract an inordinate amount of abuses, and I’d just nearly died, for example, of what ostensibly suggests that I am over-exhausting myself, whereas I most commonly just seek to get out and feed the birds, lately. That’s been going on for years, now. People ought not be so shortsighted such as to expect that behaviors ought not be capably overcome, if they had been, or are, faulty and “not allowed,” in other words, whereas death came so easily afforded to me, such at it seemed to so seamlessly occur within the expanse of things that I would commonly do in life, whereas many people stand to live at least a few, several, or more, perhaps, decades in life, whereas people have so commonly demonstrated, foolishly, that they forget what they are talking about, or what the point of fulfilling the volition to speak to others had been, of such comically foolish terms. True fulfillment would more rightfully suggest contentment, rather than discontent.

Thursday, November 4

The put-off slight home exhibition, of the art effects and fragrance-making collection: the stand-off days.

 Days and night, on end. 

No regard, whatsoever, for typical formalities, I’m becoming aware of, of the casual “village idiot” for the crumbs and knickknacks offer of playing around in my closet; this notion-deprecation had instilled itself as permeably “aught could be” more respectable, of a generalized notion, in that the general public might also appreciate patronizing the art collection and collected documents and transcripts of the early days of establishment of my pigeon-feeding enterprise, of a story based upon a travails anecdote of a guy who “made it work” in Los Angeles, through dedicating time to taking care of others (the pigeons), while making his (or her) way out of homelessness, and the pitfalls and shortcomings incurred, in establishing sociable currency and relevance, amongst the common people, and their good graces, in the land of fables, of greater Los Angeles, turn of the 3rd millennium. 

Yesterday ended up being a strange standoff kind of day, where I was stuck on pwsshh… fwipp - smashhhhing people with the iPad Pro, busy with it sort of thing that I’d established, while the stranger next door was completely keeping to himself, sort of thing, although I must say, of on pissless shift he must have been pulling, of some sort. There was this notion of a constant threat, of my room’s security being defiled, on consequence of enforcing an of on pissless - the identity and embodiment, thereof - the guy. It’s typically mostly always a guy, except that the bwipsies eccentric girl had murmured some unintelligible notions, of that she finds herself cute, and then - some other stuff, of an intimation of that there’s something that needs to be done out somewhere else, such as at some place that I couldn’t really hear her say, as her defining traits. I figured that she just can’t compose herself as formatively congenial enough, of an impetuous sub-superficial need to be shameless and un-humble towards me; I figure it’s because she’s discovered things about me online, and she doesn’t care to admit it. She’s never give, me her name. She’s kind of borderline like that, and she was framed, towards me, recently, of that she had shown up to play with my fragrance ingredients collections, as the village idiot, for the crumbs and knickknacks notion that I had flouted, although these people constantly flout the rules as dismissible, of that there be some tacit agreement and supervision involved in the village idiot indulging themselves around aerosol-industry sort of slight manufacturing environment, that it is. 

Could they possibly seem just simply better, for skirting the premise of speaking to me about it, whatsoever, for … I dunno. I just see worse of them, and for that matter, it’s not everyone who appears to have been framed in this particular manner, leverages upon this fragrance ingredients thing. It implies  a gross notion of childishness and entitlement, and worser things tend to come snowballing out of that establishment, quite easily.

Sweating it out, after having been a stark schizotypal paranoid one, in a mid-day’s hot water and medicinal oils-infused bath tub.

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