Some people may have been left wondering:
What happened to things, in the way that they used to be handled?
All of a sudden, acts and behaviors that used to seem unthinkable; distant from the perceiver, separate, as that such things would seem to fall into and encompass other people’s lives, rather than our own, become, by various means of introduction, induction, and casualty, therein, more familiarized, with more personal relevance, proximity-wise, and with threatening impact upon the subject’s personal sense of security and risk potential. Increased risk upsets former plans, aspirations, and partitioning of resources of a person, caught unaware.
In Los Angeles, California, USA, we are considered to be a melting pot societal destination and lifestyle of culture afforded to us. The types of threats that seemed further away and separate from our lives are perhaps calculated out in risk-aversion methods, such as various forms of purchasable insurance policies, as far as that a generalized consumer solution could be imagined. The sorts of endowments afforded by such measures are significant: therapies, of various academic, professional, or medical licensure, degree, or certification - for example, are some of the benefits that are more easily within reach, given various forms of archetypal, or “standardized,” (professional, for example) upbringings, or lifestyles, given that work benefits such as private medical coverage are included, subsidized, or incentivized, as part of an employment package. Growing up as I had, I had medical insurance benefits that saw to it that I received orthopedic work, dentistry, and mental health therapy and psychiatric oversight, as the most prominent needs that were accommodated during my childhood.
Despite this, nothing could have prepared me (as I’d “put it,” off-handedly), for the onset of schizophrenia in my life. It hit me like a traumatic, persecutors shock experience, with none of the perpetrators owning up to the fact that they had ever -and continue forth, in committing towards me, as well as my loved ones; even casual and professional network connections and contacts - to this very day. The corollary to this stand-off(-esque) claim about these “others” is that they “do” admit to doing these sorts of things (such as “being” the voices in my head), yet the whole dilemma and drama about anything to speak of, whatsoever, happens - yet even still: as voices in my head. In person, these people would never admit to doing these things that they find to be characteristic of conflicting attitudes and behaviors; even defiant and oppositional - on one hand, the people “do” realize that their acts are, at these problematic episodes, at issue: shameful, spiteful, cowardly, bold, and fearless, however intermittent and unsustainable these feats of grandiosity and delusion may be. On the other hand, the characteristically borderline personality disorder and anti-social traits of the behaviors are denied, in to indefinite extents, unto life, still to come. It’s a primary shortcoming of character such that is deemed to be one of the hallmarks of a failure, in the contexts and standards of the 12 Steps literature of recovery, self-help, and sobriety.
The voices had begun in the week, or so - in particular, leading up to September of 2012, and for the days beginning the month. I quickly became ensued in a cruel, militaristically styled, public-shaming sort of forum and by-and-large witch-hunt sort of atmosphere and thematic emblems of figurative form and composition, as far as what construed the content of the voices I was subjected to. It sounded like a dramatic, real-life exposé of network news personalities, talk show programming public figures, as well as what seemed like viable “actual” civil servant authorities - all taking jabs, by and large, offering negative conditioning, as the defining folly of man that was come to be celebrated, and practiced - myself, fairly much illiterate in this sort of conjectural drama and persona - whereby, since then, I’d become an intermittent Twitter demagogue, bordering upon a technological golden age’s banner flop-job; a court’s jester, of sorts, where abuse had become the new standard of interaction (attempts), defilements and ever-higher stacks upon brinksmanship, in displays of irreverent and unproductive flouting of the people’s common ego, and observation-participant thresholds of standards of acceptability were pushed to unexpected limits, and beyond, at times, for the fact of the matter of that, in many cases, the wins and gains were short-sighted, and cheaply won, being that men were made better, by those better than them, through the machinery at use, in these cases, and few people had much of anything of a long-standing intelligence to be gained, or admired, about these sorts of “stand-off” situations, as I’d put it, before, whereas I was more well-founded upon trying to eke out a better self, of some sort, that had peeked through the hours of neglect, abandonment, and disregard, and little by little, I embodied the better traits of men and women who treated me properly, and appropriately, regardless of the tone of voice, or authoritativeness that would be construed, from such a sort of treatment.
That being said, the backdrop to the hysteria and paranoid establishments that had embedded themselves, with subversion at the forefront of design, and sometimes, with malicious and reckless blind-sighted goals, of a slapstick nature, as less well-intentioned, less skilled, or less educated people took the helm of controlling my mind, at times, seemingly also of that I was being observed by numerous, unspoken others, of any and all types of relations, in life, was well-provisioned, in the nearly-popular culture literature and publications, of news media, and of the blogosphere - I’d suppose that esoteric topics have their place in time, for many, or several - at least, different types of odd and obscure minds, and this moment happened to include me, as one of these monstrousity-victimized, problematic sorts - hyped up in the news articles and publications of the time, as symbolic forms and archetypes, such as the Monarch, or the butterfly - something like that. There was extensive “cult” literature, to that effect, that somewhat expounded upon the then-more “secret,” less-well disseminated information and documents (until this point in time - it was a point in time of intrigue and exposure of formerly classified programs and documentation - with the age of the internet coming of age, of sorts, and with people’s minds, in the digital world, having become curious as for solutions and answers in life, with regards to psychology and identity typology kinds of distinction; forensics, semiotics, and persona errata being valuable subjects of inquiry and discovery, for the young millennial generation).
At some point, long story short, (I’d documented it, largely, on my Twitter and Facebook accounts “back then,” the madness and criminality that had consumed my life, post-onset of positive schizophrenic diagnostic criteria (2012) - caught up with me, and I’d failed in life, in terms of a more material consequence that had overcome me - various incidents and episodes of incarceration, probation, involuntary hospitalizations. I’d said that it constituted failure, perhaps mostly as my experience of these times spent removed from society, on account of that so much of my life was fulfilled and better accommodated in the form of technology, the internet, and through devices that I’d used, over the years. A recurrent theme of my persecutors was that I’d lived a life too rich, too young, and too familiar and relative to themselves; whereas I’d neglected them, or abandoned them, or at least the claim, thereof, whereas I was an oblivious, and criminally incompetent, “cad,” as I’m sometimes currently called.
In any case, the issue of politics, of the lower and lesser social classes, of a proximity fallacy of presuming that being physically nearby an event supposes that it’s also more primarily significant, impactful, or important - some or one or all of these traits, about the situation; is it me? Is it us? What’s so important, somehow? Who really cares? Who really knows? Who isn’t somewhat similar, at least in some contextual expanse, of a topic subject… is this moment the defining moment of creation, itself? For some humor-infused, turn’t up “cadres” of “guys,” or “people,” (although the problematic people, for me, are commonly guys, but here and there, some women seem to have a problem with me, or about me), it appears to be the case, as that the thread about this paranoid schizophrenic positive symptoms diagnostics thing pops up, in the forefront of my mind, as that sometimes, women are known to henpeck, and be gossipy, behind my back. I’ve tried peeking, to see if people are actually talking about me - on one hand, the concept and notion of it “exists,” per se - it is a thought that I experience, in my head; or, more truthfully, rather, it’s an experience that I perceive - distinct, in formative nature, from a “thought,” in and of itself - for that it has a cognition and volition completely independent of any expenditure of energy of my own mind - quite a novel thing, for a guy who’s most commonly a loner, and introverted, as I am, yet only sometimes. It’s this sort of reality interaction that’s so commonly under observation and scrutiny - a novel thing, in and of itself, yet, at times, scarce, whereas we live in a world where human interactions are commonplace and widespread displays that we can peruse and experience, this being Los Angeles, CA, USA, a world unto it’s own, at least, in miniaturized form, if we are to recall that we are also a global society - rich in culture and imagery, and not always cheap. Remember the formative traits of good economics - there is worth in scarcity of supply, implying that a thing is valuable, for what’s offered, and for what’s being offered, for ownership, or experience - something along those lines.
Anyways, I’ve said a lot. I don’t suppose that people would hold much of a candle for my overextended claims and statements, as far as right now. Maybe something else… something more accessible, and stuff. Maybe I’ll update, later on.
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