Ask iPigeon.institute: is it lonely, being a pigeon feeder?

 Recently, I got on to TikTok, after such a long time having done without it. 

I hadn’t much really felt like I “needed” TikTok, but my social media life had started to stagnate, somewhat. I found that a lot of social media users had simply migrated over to TikTok (I put out a couple of sample pigeon videos, and I got a generally higher user engagement rate on TikTok, in the little while I’ve been on there). 

In the app, I had the option, as all social media apps have, of adding people to my following list. I guess I was kind of mystified by the platform, upon looking around, a bit, and, for figuring out some things about how things work. I don’t really know what it is, but the content creation aspect of the platform just “feels” more engaging and supporting, and thus, more rewarding than some other outsets of joining social media and posting content. 

A lot of people who know me know that I’m super-introverted, so I’m kind of at odds with becoming creative, somewhat, in a social media content sort of way, yet, as a generally jobless person, I often fantasize about ways in which I could make money, regardless of how sensible the fantasy might or might not be. Now, that being the case, I’m not completely jobless, and I have some niche ways in which I pull in money. I still have this confounding factor of that the voices in my head would appear to be condemning me, still, on account of the work I used to do, mostly back in 2006-2012, or so, although my therapists have told me to basically set that aside, and their stance is being supportive of a “successful” and prosperous “me,” to which I’m eager to become, having basically lost my entire 30’s to distractions such as (largely being) voices in my head thing. I guess, on one hand, some folks would call it a person’s conscience, but my experience of this thing became much more interactive, superior, and controlling of my thought and decision making process, often blinding me to my own thoughts and personal volition, having taken this prominent place in my mind, whether it’s in the background, or it’s something I can’t ignore. 

Why would I have this odd problem, people must wonder, of me? Recent articles I’ve looked at have suggested that it’s entirely an “inner” voice, hinting at that it’s an organic disease. Yet, many schizophrenics, such as myself, at various times, would swear that there’s some other novel entity observing and attempting to control them; the subject(s), in interactive real time. The novelty of it is what I would speculate as being the driving factor that would be schizophrenia at its most visible circumstance in life - the troubled, ranting, and yelling person who’d become dangerously isolated and alienated, in their mind, out in public. Some articles have suggested, moreso recently, perhaps, that interacting with these voices in the mind does not necessarily constitute a mental illness, whether it be a cultural, spiritual, trauma-based, etc. reason for why some folks speak to voices, and are not considered mentally ill - which is oftentimes how my former peers, and family, as well, have appeared to me, as voices in my mind. They appear to be casually and comfortably navigating the same experience, without having the existential dilemma feature of it, that I, and people like me, feel and experience. Although I haven’t spoken to anyone, coherently, at least, who had ever explained to me what it is, and how they experience it - the voices in their mind, there seems to be a prominent subset of these people who experience schizophrenia, of that they believe that it’s some sort of technology that’s infiltrated their lives. Only time can tell, yet the future seems to be embedding itself in the minds of these lost folks, for various, numerous types of explanations as to their origin and purpose in life. 

Now, let it be known, I feel that speaking to voices in one’s mind, at least, at this point in history, is generally symptomatic of a narcissistic and unsound mind. Even so, this being the case, I still speak to the voices, when the opportunity to do so, in relative privacy (after all, what’s really private, if people are potentially able to also hear what I’m saying “to myself,” in private), for the sake of alleviating the allure of the phenomenon being a novelty of an intriguing nature - that people can, actually, speak to and hear each other, in opportune times, from remote physical distances, and be heard, and speak, completely absent of any technological device that the person has on them. Numerous theories could abound at why this sort of technology is not known, to people, yet it’s so firmly believed, as such, by sufferers; my take on it is that people are not generally and widely responsible enough yet, and this advancement takes place in experimental individuals, at this time, for the sake of gathering data, and perhaps making progress in the subject and study area. 

Anyhow, this type of cognizant dilemma has plagued my mind, for nearly 15 years, now, and it traces back much further in my early adulthood. It’s undoubtedly been the crux upon which my relationships in life have regularly failed - this embedded form of paranoid existence. The latest entreaty to my understanding of it is: “hey! Don’t “actually” take this stuff literally, and go about affecting someone else’s life on account of that you had been hearing things, involving them, and then, go on to bring up what you’re experiencing in the mind - this is all for observation and for understanding.” How annoying is it, when someone reveals their paranoid alternate, inner self, to others? It’s a very touchy part of understanding an individual (or not understanding them), and some folks are portrayed as being very natural and gifted in this form of communication, as though, from having known them, and about their intellectual capacities, they speak as internal entities without causing offense, which is imaginably difficult to pull off. 

Anyways, that was a huge disclaimer and introduction to that, and why, I feed pigeons, as a large part of my identity. I prefer not to traumatize and alienate people with these strange beliefs that inhabit themselves in my mind, at least, while I’m working things through, although I have the desire to not be so introverted, a lot of the time, which I feel further alienates me, and, on that note, I’m generally healthier when I’m in a relationship, whether it be platonic or romantic, and I feel that I’ve been working on a lot of things, in life, which could have used some correction, insight, and perspective, that comes with the wisdom of age. 

So, when the subject matter comes up, in my mind, of that “someone” or other isn’t “interested” in me, romantically :(, I just take things in stride, and wait things out. When I’m put on the spot, like that, I scarcely ever would have an appropriate explanation for why I am the way I am - unattractive to “them,” while navigating the creep factor (being called such suggestive types of names can be ruinous, and I feel that I’ve become too accustomed to hearing some of these names being used). I defer, regularly, to the classic notion of that it’s easier to associate with, and be truthful to, someone who’s not been acquainted with me, much (a stranger), yet. Even so, I have to also defer to Brad Pitt’s character, in Fighting Club, for being a single serving companion to people, as also featuring antisocial traits (he ends up blowing up buildings, for example). I’m not interested in anything nearly of that sort of fantastical statement of largesse, in having the drive to be known, to others, while my innate personality traits are also not condescended upon, through my own willing participation in interacting with others. What I do, by feeding the pigeons, is just a fragile, yet hopeful, project, yet I feel that it ought to seem relatable in that people also pay monthly additional rent, for example, for owning a pet in an apartment setting. I’m simply buying food for the pigeons, and, perhaps, leasing their time with me, given that it’s possible that the city might want to do away with the birds, by the time they start becoming sociable with people - I still don’t know, and I’m at odds, with the loss of the Central Library flock in Downtown LA having gone missing, last year, seemingly not to ever return. They had started to become very friendly with me, although I somewhat felt that some of these staff at the library had different designs upon the space I was using, to feed the birds, daily, and, for that, our purposes for and about the birds would be at odds, although this is all just speculation - there could be various explanations for why the birds left, and never came back. 

It’s a tough spot to be put on, this notion of that I offer that I feed the local pigeons, as a prominent feature of myself, and I have to consider that my perspective on things might naturally seem biased, although I am getting older, and I have to come to terms with a more mature and well seasoned tasteful representation of myself, being that old solutions stopped “working,” and for that I generally don’t have very much to say, off hand, about why I don’t have a regular job - I’ve had several jobs, in life, in which I was to be taken on, for the long term, but personal failures stood in the way of my longevity with them, and I’ve got to say that I’m at a loss, for what I should have, or could be, doing, otherwise, in life, had I not made some certain path-defining choices for myself, although this generally pertains to the people I’m connected with, on social media, whom I value very much, for their continued networking connections to me, for that many of them are very successful, in their own careers, in life. It puts things in perspective, for me - how much better ought I be doing, if I could - if I stood to learn something from these single serving interactions in my life, and take away something of wisdom, from them? On one hand, I can’t perform on all of the types of lifestyle and tasks that I see people do, yet I feel that I could, once again, live a successful lifestyle, this time, based on more sound and ethical principles. I know, it’s not that attractive, and I might seem to be poor, amongst the poor and afflicted population amongst whom I live, yet things are not quite that superficially set in place, although I am doing things on a mental health diagnoses prognosis, in life. 

Maybe, in hindsight, all of this stuff might just be hyperbole, and we’ll live longer lives, to make up for our shortcomings that we’ve lived through. Maybe other people have their own sensitivities and nuances about them that keep them to themselves, on their own merits, and this is just an awkward time, in life, for humility, being that we were brought up in an age of superficial glamour being currency of the day, for some of us. Finding the right niche, in which I can operate, foreseeably in to the future, is my primary concern, and I ought to not listen to such suggestive intimations in my mind about how so, and what for, of that I’m a late bloomer, perhaps, in starting a family life, at this point (I’m currently nearing my 44th birthday). 

Aside from all of that, feeding the pigeons daily is a little and attainable joy that I have, for myself. It’s something I can do, where I check in with my friends, the pigeons, and I witness and experience small rewards and little gems of life, itself, for feeding the birds.

I was a patsy North Korean operative for a quick stint (just maybe) + I am your outsourced remote tech worker.

 After my workplace life fell apart, once more, back in the summer of 2012, I was sent reeling through what’s been over a decade’s worth of flailing attempts at recovering and rebirthing my professional presence, and, alternately, I’d gone through several incarcerations and psychiatric hospitalizations. It sounds pretty bleak, and it has been - I was faced with many an end-of-(work) life scenarios playing out, and I also several genuinely decent job placements that I’d secured through my extensive former work’s contacts list, which numbered in well over 6,000 emails and phone numbers. 

Before, and leading up to 2012, it was a period of ups and downs, likewise, in terms of that I’d started out with my newfound professional position, as a software installation gig worker, essentially, on craigslist's computers and tech section, mixed in with some hardware sales and repair work, here and there. Nowadays, I couldn’t possibly regain a foothold in that sort of workplace scenario and job environment, and I feel that, with the advent of App Stores and fully online software update fulfillment, the black and grey markets for software installation tech workers has all but dried up, not to mention that, collectively, on the community side and or on the backend of craigslist, the nomenclature of alluding to that a person is offering software installation services is practically banned, for all intents and purposes. 

Losing my way in that workplace came with innumerable complications, as I lost my 19th floor loft, where I stayed, in downtown Los Angeles, as well as that my car broke down, in coming years, thus creating an environment of reckoning with unexpected change and challenges. The welcome mat had all but been pulled out from underneath me, and I was no more prepared than I had been, when I started the work, for dealing with the consequences of a life without craigslist software installation gig work. 

During this time of transience and transition, I experienced the graces of kindness and hospitality, on the part of several various individuals and families that had taken me in, as well as some job placements, as I’d mentioned, from my former clientele. That being the case, I can attest to that job offers are truly scarce, in this sort of situation - I’d procured mid to long-term job offers from perhaps 1 in 1,000 people, or businesses, if I averaged out my contacts to the numbers of jobs I’d gotten placed in, within the context of me having lost my work. 

The homes I stayed in all had unique Los Angeles signatures to them, varying from Mid City, to the Silver Triangle, in Venice Beach, to Topanga Canyon, and it was a great experience for me, despite being down on life, in other ways, although they all came to an end, for some reason, or other. I suppose that it’s simply challenging to justify adopting someone in my circumstances, as an adult, that I was (I had functional challenges with doing things such as helping out, around the house, for example). I had been spoiled by a plush and volatile work/life balance that I’d eked out, for myself, doing this craigslist thing, and I was mystified, on a regular basis, by rich auditory hallucinations, and a daily variety of narratives of horror and reprieve. 

From out of that, and, moving forward, I experienced some renewed bouts of homelessness, one failed (short) long-term romance type of situation, and, the incarcerations and hospitalizations I’d previously mentioned. When I did have housing of my own, back in 2018-2020, the situation was likewise, to my earlier attempts in living independently, haphazard and messy, which eventually led to my being evicted from my Section 8 apartment. 

The Covid-19 Pandemic was a period of time that saw, for me, a great bound, in financial terms, as I took advantage of the stimulus and unemployment funds that were given expansive resources and funding during that time. I had, somewhat, of an unprecedented sense, a newfound precedent of having experienced wealth - this time around, I had a rich resource of personal sabbatical freedoms, since I lived in transitional housing placements that were paid for, combined with regular income, provided by the federal and California state government’s stimulus and pandemic unemployment funding - a long lacking financial support mechanism, which allotted me the freedom to deep dive into my research and development modes, with “work,” of other sorts, still seeming to be long and far away fanciful notions of security; things that other people could do, and have, for themselves, whereas I built my works and resolve from out of my skill sets, as a writer, a blogger, an animal lover, a researcher, an artisan, for example, whereas, inside of my mind, I still longed for the excitement of working in tech, and I wondered at the dint of what employed individuals and profitable companies had, that I didn’t have, about me. 

That being said, I was on my own, with the (at least) illusory circumstances of otherwise, in an alternate life, perhaps, that wasn’t really mine, having a relatively large regular expendable income, with unemployment payments coming to me, for about 2 years, or so. This windfall did not come without its own caveats and pitfalls, though, and I continued to struggle with mood disorders and delusions. I’ve also, unwittingly, been the victim of unwitting and accidental overdoses, due to fentanyl ingestion, in instances where I’d come across bags of white powder, whereas I found myself desperate, for something else, and I’d make-believe that the synthetic, pharmaceutical-tasting powder was, instead, somehow, my favorite.

Now, for analysis’ sake, I was still caught in, and subject to, unfavorable circumstances, in my own personal and psychological conditioning, and it would still be some years before the drug marketplace would give-ho to a new economy of profiteering, at the expense of putting quality first, alternately. Nowadays, I can take it or leave it, in most instances, and I’m making progress towards becoming drug-abstinent - fortuitous conditioning, as it were: favorable circumstances to wean myself off of drugs, meanwhile, I have richly embedded experientially rewarding hobbies that don’t pay, or get me high, such as caring for the town’s pigeons, to draw some correlation upon perhaps the wisdom of the younger generation, as I attempt to remake my image and portrayal of myself, professionally, given my former failures.

Nowadays,

there’s a lot of hype and buzz surrounding the place of work, itself, in a much more broad and societally-affective sense, with the storm of Artificial Intelligence upon us. I’ve found myself on the bright side of this situation, though, with two remote work opportunities having presented themselves to me, which I’d been accepted for a position with, for both instances. One of the jobs reeks of a financial fraud scheme, as it amounts to that I initiate, upon receiving instruments and instructions for payment transactions to be processed, by myself, through my own accounts, whereupon I would take a percentage, and deposit the sum in to a Bitcoin wallet - all brimming with mystique, and disappointment, as the “company’s” website claims to feature an extensive catalog of goods that they sell, supposedly, as an e-commerce operation (they only feature 4 items for “sale,” in truth). I went along with this mysterious remote work job, however - suspended disbelief, as it were, just to feel out the reality of what working for a company such as this would portend. I made a $50 USD commission, and I paid for a meal and some bank fees, aside from that, perhaps, but the confidence and hallmarks of legitimacy of a real company’s sureness, in operations, were just lacking. Moreover, a recent article by Wired practically mirrored my exact experience, in part, where the article details a woman now caught in dire criminal legal straits, and I figure that I could just as well end up not pleasing somebody, in a big way, somehow, if I likewise continued to do what I’d initially felt, and, moving forward, despite that, continued to feel, was something simply wrong and improper - fraud is a sort of situation that I’m not well-versed in, so I decided to try them out, so to speak, at their offer. My ChatGPT conversation about the situation pointed out some of these flaws, but reading the outcomes of someone else, who is facing prison time, for essentially equivalent circumstances, was enough to set me straight. I also had some moral support, from out of what was formerly cruel hallucinations - a voice that I could trust, for some various reasons of the characterization and nuance of the voice, calmly advised me against continuing with the scheme. Lucrative, sure, yet fumbling in execution, and lacking in full rationality and logic of as to why I was needed, or valuable. 

My other job, which I’ve just recently started, involves rating music search results, as a contractor signed up with an intermediary outsourcing establishment that specializes in training Artificial Intelligence models for various clients. I don’t directly work for the client, and the I’ve yet to receive my first payment, but it’s something I can feel much more secure and confident about, given that I’m dedicating real and legitimate hours on a big tech client’s web page portal, where work tasks are detailed, and are consistently fed through, to the task doers. The workers and corporate management and oversight commune on Microsoft Teams chat, and there are assessments that need to be done, in order to qualify as a task worker for the job. I was offered a second position with them, which I’ve yet to see through to the onboarding, so far, but I’m optimistic, as everything feels well-to-do and legitimate, in an organized business sort of way. 

So, I’m a remote worker, and my days consist of alternating between working on my iPad Pro and going to the library to work on a computer console - I’ve been feeling out which workstation environment is more productive: the computer has a keyboard and mouse, and a larger screen format, for referencing and researching the reasoning being fed in to the system, for the client’s AI models to be refined, but the iPad Pro is a newer machine, and I have a skilled aptitude in thumb typing, and I can use AZERTY, which I prefer, now, going on several years that I’ve been using AZERTY for my writing, and I find that it lends itself more so to better eloquence in execution, that the letters find themselves in, for productivity’s sake, and I experience fewer errors, and a more familiar and unified format of workstation environment on my iPad Pro.

I’ll write some updates, here, as they come, as to the status of things with my new job, as well as the outcome of the job that I dumped, perhaps.

Update: June and July

Some time had passed, since I first published this article, and I learned the outcomes of these two job-seeking aspirations. The AI search results training job ended up paying too little for the amount of time and for the degree of difficulty of the job. Meanwhile, I suffered an acute bout of a back injury that gave me some pause, and I had to lay in bed for a week or two. It started to feel nice, to “be lazy,” for once (perhaps it was prudence, rather, of not exacerbating my back injury, though). I extended my restfulness a couple of more weeks, it seemed it ended up being. I didn’t go in and donate blood plasma, like I usually would have been doing twice a week, since it ends up being a several or more set of hours invested to head out to the valley, wait in line, until the blood sample and vitals are taken and analyzed, by the phlebotomists or nurses, and then wait some more, for a bed, and there’s more waiting, once donors get in to their beds, typically, and then, the blood plasma donation itself takes around an hour, sometimes up to twice as long, for me. 

That was that one. For the transaction fulfillment job, I got a sobering reckoning dealt to me that started with a phone call from an unfamiliar number. There was an elderly lady, on the other end, and she asked who I was, and she asked about the charges on her card bill. I advised her to report it to the issuing company, and that I was caught in a scam, in this instance. It took her some weeks until she filed the claim, apparently, and, eventually, I got a notice from PayPal that a chargeback had been initiated by the “buyer,” or, in other words, the lady whose card information was stolen for the sake of putting it to use for these nefarious purposes. I was left with the short end of the stick, since it was my “job,” in this fraud scheme, to put the transactions through, with my name on it, and, with me as the PayPal payment processor. 

All in all, it wasn’t all that bad, or as big a hit as it could have otherwise have been, if I was in more dire circumstances, and without support, for example, but I’m not. Anyhow, I have some money coming in, in August, which will cover my financial mishaps and skeletons in the closet, so to speak, this scheme being one of them that I’ll be able to cover, with funds to pay for it, and I’ll chalk it up as a lesson learned. Sure, I should have known better, and part of me did know well enough, at the outset, but I was fraught with an overly optimistic outlook about things, being that I was unsatisfied with my financial situation, and I was searching for jobs, at the time, as well, and these two prospects nudged me along to try to fit in, somewhere, like the proverbial carrot on a string, for a horse. 

That’s all. I tend to not give negative outcomes like this too much thought, just some consideration for how I conduct myself in the future, and where I place my trust, as well as how much I listen to my intuition and common sense, from here on out. Aside from all of this, AI search rating job did end up paying, albeit less than I would have liked, and, less than I expected, as well, but I bought myself some nice things, with the money. 

Local DTLA Pigeon Genetic Milestones - Academic Evidence

 As it's been around 7 years that I'd been visiting the local Downtown Los Angeles pigeon flocks and keeping this blog, several breeding seasons had come to pass, with some distinctions in the subsequent offspring of the pigeons that had been living back then now prominently mixing in to the general showing of the birds (I estimate that the local flocks' birds will see an average lifespan of up to 10-15 years, since they're cared for, on a distributed and daily basis). 

What does this mean? 

It means that the pre-existing birds (adults and wild pigeons) are seen, side-by-side, demonstrating what the University of Utah's Pigeonetics website documents as genetic variations, due to some or other particular conditions; genetic development conditions, as it were.

"Snooker," as I've named him (I've discerned that he's male, over time, due to his behavioral traits and his mating-act positioning of himself as the dominant partner), pictured here (below), earlier on, in 2024, with what could be his offspring (above); a more young and less developed bird, as the birds are capable of improving on their inherited genetics with suitable nutritional and conditioning support, during their lifetime. Snooker is perhaps a year and a half old, or so - I noticed him at the library beginning last year, in 2023. I was surprised to see his genetic likeness in this other, young bird, which left the flock, after some weeks. The genetic variant of this style of pigeon is perhaps known as as "Pakistani High Flyer," with various marks of genetic distinction being apparent, given a common wild pigeon.

The University's website does a fine and entertaining quick read on genetic variants, as well as some of the conditions under which some of these variations occur, in the birds' pedigrees. Some of the conditions require multiple breeding seasons, as well as chance and distributed mating efforts - keep in mind, pigeons are bound to relatively simple behaviors, given that their outdoor wildlife hobbyist environments are coupled with some challenges and strife, from naysayers to their well-being. This being the case, 7 years is plenty of time for these birds to have mixed, and - one can observe, on any given day, the richness in variety that the birds' plumage and other ornamentation, such as their eyelids, leg feathers (my mother would call this feature their "pants"), as well as frills and beak shape and size differentiations. 

I call this one "Redbeard," for his unique decorative facial plumage. Redbeard is a fun and friendly bird; I spot him sometimes breaking the ice, so to speak, on a day-by-day basis, by flying "at" me, excitedly, ostensibly, because I bring them tasty sweets, mostly pastry type items, and cookies. It's a sign of the promise of youth, of the birds, in renewing their numbers, year in and year out, of that perhaps we will see them though as someday hand-tame birds, under some circumstances, at least. It's happened before, at least, quite nearly so, but there's been a lot of other things going on, around their daily habitat environments. This being the case, I do make it out to feed them pretty regularly, nearly every day, given a month, or so, so that's good conditioning towards these local Downtown Los Angeles birds becoming tamer, over time. Redbeard is very sociable-curious, as the flocks of pigeons around him, since his upbringing, have been relatively large; anywhere from 25-100 birds, I'd estimate, show up for the feedings around him. I estimate Redbeard's age to be 1-3 years old; I just started noticing him, in particular, this year.

Given time left to themselves, (in a theoretical setting), pigeons will revert to their wild state, in appearance. These genetic variations are considered domesticated and fancy traits. My take on these flocks is that they can be fancy, moreso than domesticated, for beginners, given that there are still threats abound, for the birds, being likely. Beyond that, civic support for the birds would ostensibly grow, organically, given that they are wildlife, and, as well, being that they're taken care of, as best as they can be (I clean up, after them, on a regular basis, and other people provide them with water dishes regularly, as well). 

A prominent monochrome-colored black-feathered pigeon, which is one of the markers of genetic variance that occurs, under controlled care circumstances, here, amongst many other pigeons, for reference. This flock is situated just outside of downtown LA, but they're more free to perch and peck around, in their daily habitat environment, without being harassed. As a result, their behavioral traits and mannerisms are more gentle, naive, and open to sociability.

Check out the University of Utah's site, as the information there will assist most readers in understanding the sort of information discussed here, in a more pragmatic and straightforward manner of explanation, as it was the source of my realization of the developments discussed here, and there are simple, page-by-page discussions that are navigable, with pictures and or charts included on each page. It's really a well-done explainer site, that serves the purpose of demystifying some of the complexities of pigeon pedigree development and establishment.